The darkness that eluded me yesterday settled in for a nice cup of tea today. I am finding that there is no way out of the pain, it is a part of me, and so will follow where I go. It used to disappoint me; I thought that there had to be some amount of work that would erase it. The sickly feeling of familiarity when I’m on a downswing scares me. I never want to be reminded of how I was. But alas, you must go through to ascend.
On the brighter side, I have manifested love into my life :) I am so excited, so nervous. And so trying to keep from judging myself. Of course I’m good enough, he likes me doesn’t he?
Tonight I am going resaling for a bit, then to meditation class, then maybe to watch my teachers former band play for the last time. All by my lonesome, likely. But I have grown accustomed to being my own company. Maybe after a few more nights like this, I won’t have to be alone so much anymore.
Yesterday I was journaling in a cafe downtown when my Self wrote “go see Rodasi (my teacher)” so I walked across town in sleet to her store, Higher Self. She was there with her daughter, Lauren. Lauren and I played, Rodasi and I talked. At one point Rodasi was talking about my aura when she first met me, and Lauren says, “her aura is black.” She (Lauren) can see auras, and she’s 7 years old! By black she meant indigo, which makes sense, because my strongest chakra is my third eye.
It took a lot out of me to blindly follow my intuition down there, just a few words written in my journal and I listened. It scared me, to be connected. That is the first time it’s ever been so strong. I think that’s why I was so numb today. Hoping to change that :)
Love, light, and peace dear ones :)
What will you say?
I am confused. None of this feels right.
Who am I? Why am I alone tonight?
My body has limits my mind doesn’t know,
my mind plays my body like a midnight show
tired, excited, dark and full
I am consciousness trapped
I am possibility capped
They swore I was so apt
but now they take it back.
There are words floating around
there are feelings that won’t make a sound
here is paper, north
and ink, south
they don’t attract.
So who am I and who is writing this?
I am so lonely, so confused,
my head hurts, would you please cradle it?
I woke up in the morning
and for the first time in a long while
I felt like writing poetry.
I could still feel the energy
that I collected from the charge between us
and it begged to have its beauty recorded.
Only now I find I don’t know enough words
and I can’t begin to spell it out.
08.04.13. Monday. Made my first ever omelette today, inspired by my new place of work- spinach and sautéed mushrooms and onions with mozerella cheese. It was very satisfying.
Bowling tonight. I was too tired- slipped into a mood and couldn’t fully enjoy being present with my friends. I missed a few signs because I was moving too fast. Next time. Literally. Tomorrow rachel and i are taking our dogs for a hike, then the guys and I are going lazer tagging, dinner at my house, then two tracking. Should be fun :)
This all after I get out of work.
Breathe baby girl.
I’m hanging in there.
The light is growing dim, I am fanning it.
Some moments are better than others,
so it goes.
I must sleep now, a demain mes cheries.
I wanted to understand life,
I wanted to understand it so badly.
So when they let me out of the gate
and all the kids around me began
running off towards college and the finer life
I sat down, crossed my legs and closed my eyes
and there I have stayed to this day,
as the answers you can’t find in textbooks or lecture halls
simply float down from the ether and into my mind.
I wanted to understand life,
I wanted to know the Truth.
Although I didn’t go anywhere,
I am now so much farther ahead.
You cannot convince me that I’ve made any mistakes.
Go get your diplomas, earn your paychecks
and make your parents proud.
In the end we will all see.
Tuesday 02.04.13. I am drinking chamomile tea and eating raspberry newtons and blogging.
I have been so tired lately. The idea of upping my meds occurs to me.
I had a few poems inside of me today, I did not let them out so they slid back into the ether.
Maybe tomorrow will be different.
I did discover inspiration today, however. It came in the form of a book called “Messages of Universal Wisdom.” It led me to a site called http://starchildglobal.com/. I cried.
Also, there is a t.v. show called Long Island medium, and it gives me the feelies.
I’m slipping, I’m bored. I’m tempted to search for some sativa. Help in any form will be welcomed, just knock on the door and if I don’t answer, come on in- I’m likely sleeping.
31.03.13 Sunday. Today I worked at the Shack. Then I went home to eat dinner with my family. My aunt Julie and my cousin Hannah came up to celebrate Easter with us. We had ham. I ate salad. Dessert was whipped chocolate pie. My favorite. After dinner we skyped my grandparents and my aunt Teri who are all in Florida. It was a fun family get together. After they left I slept.
There is not much to my days now; after 6 straight days of work in my first week back on the field I am coming to find this journey much more difficult than expected. I feel very disconnected. I am back to habits I thought I’d never succumb to again; they make me feel disgusting but I am too tire to stop my ego. It is much easier to follow old paths than to forge new ones. Luckily I have four days to recharge. I am going to try and land another job, and manifest some more of my dreams (like maybe some company.)
So it goes.
I know I should not say things like this
but I wish for someone to teach me how to feel my beauty again.
I dream of another guide into the realm of love;
I could sure use the company.
And I know I should not want things
because that only produces the state of wanting
and not the actual having
and since it’s the having I wish for
I know I should not say that
I want someone to make me feel whole and strong,
carefree and creative, young and wise.
I am a gemini after all- forever searching
for my soul twin, never quite complete without.
I know better than to idly fantasize about
no longer being by myself. So I’ll do my heart one better.
I have someone to teach me how to feel beautiful and whole and strong,
I have someone to take long walks in the woods with my dog and I,
I have someone to stay up late finger (and body) painting with,
I have someone to go camping on cold nights with,
I have someone to spontaneously thrift shop with,
I have someone to text good morning,
I have someone to kiss goodnight,
I have someone to give me all the hugs I never get from my friends and family,
I have someone to talk about my blossoming beliefs with,
I have someone to run with early in the mornings, then go out to breakfast before everyone else is even awake,
I have someone to drive around aimlessly with,
I have someone to lead me on amazing adventures, and who will follow me on mine,
I have someone to teach me new things and to teach new things to,
I have someone to love.
I have someone that loves me.
This someone is all one person.
This someone exists, and they are coming into my life.
I am sure of it.
I have love.
I have love.
I have love.
I am love.
(I just don’t want to love myself alone anymore. Come quickly please babe.)
I forgot to take my antidepressant. My co-host at work went home sick. The diner was busy today. The sun shone. I stared out the panoramic picture window and breathed; the beauty of the snow melting kept me from doing the same.i cried behind the host stand. Just one tear. After work I ate a tuna fish sandwich and mandarin oranges at a lakeside park. I took a nap in my car with the door open. The sun heated up my black pants; I could’ve stayed there forever. I didn’t. I went to my therapists house. We drank coffee and talked. I like talking with Mary, I feel free.
I wrote a letter to my soulmate today. The last time I did this, I met him two days later. I left out the French parts this time; I don’t want there to be any confusion.
I finished Eckhart Tolle today. It wasn’t as enhancing as I would’ve hoped. I’m reserving “the power of now.” Hopefully that one speaks to me.
I miss my mind in meditation. My small sessions are good, but the voice has become inauthentic.